He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
