God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize