remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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