know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
