Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
