hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
