Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
