she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
