I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
