Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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