just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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