Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
