then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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