the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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