I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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