i just google imaged poop.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
