Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
