umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
