If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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