We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
