how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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