I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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