just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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