GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
