my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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