I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize