Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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