seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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