Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
