Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
a search helicopter?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
