i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
