I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
