wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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