I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
