Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize