i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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