In the future we'll all be gay
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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