I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
