I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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