Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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