I showed him my bush... on skype.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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