over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
