Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
