i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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