i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
