I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
