hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
