You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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