I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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