nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize