I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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