yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
