Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
