My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They took my balls.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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