I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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