You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize