he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
