please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
