I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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