It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
