no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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