need another drink. this is the easiest way
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
