I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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