tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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