I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
