Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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