I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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